Since I logged onto RYL.
Pathetic eh?

Longer update later.

I just wanted to record this here, I hope it's ok.
As I said on RYL, it's been a long hard journey but I got AAA and I'm off to King's College London.
I can't believe it.

I saw a dermatologist today about my scarring, and she told me I could have steroid injections for one of the very lumpy scars there and then!!!! 

So arm is tres tres hurting now, but I shall update again later about it. And today I made 17 weeks free!

I figure I always update when I'm down, and most of the time I am down, but the last few weeks whilst I've still had problems, my mood as been more even. I think it's from eating regularly and normally, without binging and purging, that seemed to make my mood go crazy (which I guess you'd expect). Then since yesterday I've felt so much less tired, you know how normally I'll sleep about five hours during teh day if I don't have like 10 cans of coke... but the last two days (although I've drunk coke still) I've felt so much less tired, I think it's because a week ago last sunday I reduced my amitryptaline by 25mg, as it's really stupidly sedative, I got the ok from my doctor, and Joyce, my CPN said it would take a few days to level out in my system, few days went, didn't see much change, but I guess a week has done it - I'm feeling a lot less sedated.

We went to see J - a friend of my Mum's and mine, she's amazing, she's taken me to a&e for self harm so many times (feel really shit for doing that to her) and I just had this feeling of peace and happyness come over me whilst we were there, chilling to music and chatting, I was so chuffed to be able to tell her I'm now 16 weeks free of self harm, and haven't been to a&e for self harm since february. The feeling has lasted, despite bad dreams, I'm still feeling good and positive.

It's when I feel happy like this, that I'm so glad I'm alive - that none of those suicide attempts in 2005-08 worked. My therapy will reduce when I go to uni, but I'm starting to feel I'm ready for it to reduce, I'm starting to move on from Aquarius finally, having less flashbacks, and it's all just... so great at the moment.

Thanks to all of you for supporting me through the good and the bad, you all rock, Love xxx

Bleh. I wish I was stronger, had more sense of character, strength of character, I don't know.

Any recommendations for any sites any at all (but especially forums) other than RYL?

I hate myself for still being there.
I hate how it makes me feel.
I hate how me being on there makes me hate how it makes me feel.
I mean it's my fault.

I hate that I'm always apologising, on RYL, in real life. It's no longer the OCD I supposedly had/have, it;'s just always being made to feel like I'm crap, or am wrong, or both, usually both actually.

Just frustrated with myself.

On other matters

Thanks for your reply to my last thread Laura, will reply later today. And squee for your birthday :)

You know what? I've had it.

I'm tired, I'm tired of constantly walking on eggshells. Rereading and reanalysing everything I say in case God forbid someone disagrees and gets upset.

I'm tired of being attacked, feeling attacked, by people who don't even fucking know me.

I'm tired of being so paranoid and never knowing whether it's real or not, but constantly having things thrown in my face by people who I trust(ed).

I'm tired of having justify by actions, my thoughts, my behaviours to everyone whether it's their business or not.

I'm tired of having to cope with being triggered, and then being guilt tripped because I've apparently triggered other people.

I have fucking had it.

You know what? If you don't like me, delete me, don't come fucking near me. You obviously don't give a shit about me and whilst I fucking care about you I can't deal with this anymore.

I don't know whether to delete this or not, but I'm putting it out here, it's my fucking journal and as I can't say anything anywhere without someone taking it the wrong way God knwos I've got to have some place for me.

Couldn't get a decent picture on the camera so I shall type it.

Re: Miss abigail-rose Townsend, DoB 8 October 1989
(To My GP Dr Amjad, CC: to me, I'm editing out the rest as it won't interest you, this is the bit I love though:)

At Ms Townsend's request and in agreement with mys elf I would like to ask you to amend the diagnosis held on your records to the one stated above Dissociative Fugue F44.1.This could later be amended when she has been assessed by Neuropsychiatry. I can confirm that Ms Townsend does not suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

TAKE THAT!!! WOOT!

My Mum and Tim are coming over, they are going to take me to Tim's house for the night so that I am not on my own, so you probably won't see me online for a while.

Thanks again for your support,

xxx

To be frank, I'm thinking of deleting my LJ.

Betty (Lifeways carer) was talking to me yesterday about whether it's helpful (that, RYL, SG etc) as it makes me so vulnerable. This is coming from how paranoid I've been over the whole Andy thing. Apart from Chelsea (who rocks) I have no idea what anyone thinks, if people think I'm stupid/pathetic, or don't believe me, or that I had it coming or whatever. Some of you I know well and I don't want to lose you as friends, so my email is as ever fallenrain@gmail.com

I'm pretty damn anxious and scared. I wish I'd never gone into chat the other day. I wish I'd never gone on the internet (haha well we know how hard I'll find it to come off). I'm going to make a list of sites to visit before I visit RYL. I've got to... let go?

I dunno, I just don't know.